“It’s more important to regain what was lost” ~unknown
When my father passed away December 1999, I had the opportunity and the grace to be at his side for his last hours. At the time Kaney was 4 and Lexi was 1. I was still nursing Lexi so being away from her to be at his side would be a challenge. 
My father had been suffering the past two years with early Parkinson’s. After a fall journey to see my brother in North Carolina his decline began to happen. Upon return from our visit he went off to the doctor for a flu shot, which he had never chosen in his 74 years. By Christmas he was not well. He passed very quickly on December 26th. There was no conclusion as to his cause of death, only that his body was showing signs of chronic lymphatic leukemia. So this begins the pondering of my experiences of life and death.
This is a story of life, one cannot have life without death. After much consideration, my body was not finished with making babies so I beckoned its call and welcomed the opportunity again. I conceived my daughter Nikki the summer of 2001. She is our third born child. 
Previously, I always knew when I had conceived, a little flash of intuition or knowing would say YES and I would confirm it with the conscious signs of pregnancy – the absence of menses. Well, that August, I wasn’t so sure because on two occasions I had that niggling sense that I was pregnant.
Oh, how the morning sickness was so much more than before. I remember our weekly routine was to swim, the kids would play in the play area while I swam in a conditioning swim class. Then the daycare ladies would bring the littles one to the pools edge for us moms to play with them in the pool. During this pregnancy, if I bent over I would be nauseous. I swam anyway. So like every Tuesday and Thursday morning I had myself in the pool, pregnant and nauseous but this morning was different. I dropped the two older children in the play area and went for my swim. During the swim we were all shocked by the news of the New York twin towers on fire. This was to be one of the events that was going to shape part of Nikki’s birth story. Little did I know.
As my pregnancy progressed, being at 14 weeks and the morning sickness wasn’t much better. I was so tired and nauseous but time with my friends was important to me so I gathered myself and headed out. Halloween found me gathering in the country. The colours were inviting us all to gather and celebrate the autumn season.
I returned home later that evening, laid down with Lexi in her bed. She was 3 ½ and loved our bed time cuddles. I was dosing slightly, then awoke to a very warm gush in between my legs. I bolted out of the bed and into the bathroom. What was happening? I was bleeding heavily. My body began to shake. What was going on? I called for Kerry who was already sleeping. I was panicked. He calmed me and helped me call the midwives who were supporting us.
Nothing passed but blood. Off to the hospital for an ultrasound the next day, hoping I wasn’t miscarrying. No, that was not the case. I had twins inside me. Relief! Exhilaration! Stunned! OMG. But why was I bleeding?
“Go home, put your feet up, rest, what will be will be. We don’t know what will happen.” This was what we were advised. So that is what I attempted to do with two toddlers. So for the next few months I lived in the unknown. Every feeling and emotion enveloped me incessantly. Dreams filled my nights, bears and bear cubs. Celebration was attempting to occur in our family. Kaney and Lexi figured they were getting a baby sister or brother for each of them. My mom was changing her world to attend my needs for their arrival in the new year. Kerry and I were contemplating the concept of going from two children to four, WOW. Our minds were expanding considering the implications and what we may need to do to adjust to the new situation. All of this excitement went on until January.
My bleeding did eventually stop but the nagging sensation of not knowing for sure was ever-present inside me. Were they both ok? Would I be able to carry them both through the pregnancy? Could I still have the support of the midwives beside me?
December was approaching, so far so good. Then it was pierced by a dream one night. A black cloud left our room in my lucid state. I didn’t pay much attention and let it go like many other night time intuitions.
January came, at 24 weeks, off to the obstetrician and another ultrasound. A new doctor I had never met before.
“No twins, only one here!” he exclaimed, emotionless.
Devastation! All the emotions, disappointment, anger, rage, disillusionment. Ok! Get it together. Move on. Breathe. Make the best of what’s here. Breathe.
The next few months became an experience of death and life, happening at the same time in my body. Celebrate, grieve, celebrate, grieve, celebrate, grieve. A dear friend of my mine I know often says “Miracles happen every day and today is another”.
I managed to carry Nikki and her demised twin to 37 weeks. I birthed them with the greatest ease not more than two hours start to finish. Nikki slipped gently into my hands and then into the hands of her dad, my beloved Kerry. She was surrounded by her siblings and her grandmother. The midwives arrived just after she was born. The remnants of the other twin came forward attached to her plecanta. 
This story continues to be a miracle, as Nikki is an adult now creating miracles herself. Connecting with others where ever she goes. She loves every one of her many friends and has the gift of beauty with the brightest smile. She lights up the room.
Who knew?
Message and Contemplation: There is always so much more going on than what it appears. It’s never what we think it is! Celebrate the movement, Celebrate the flow:-)
